I guess since I commented about my meltdown triggers yesterday morning, all the Murphy’s Law gods were inspired to conspire against me and give me a meltdown for the rest of the day. So, a little backstory for anyone who might not know me that well.
I kind of am annoyed that there’s the whole myth/stereotype about autism and technology that all autistic people have to be strapped into our video games 24/7 or we whither away and die. This is a shit stereotype for all of us, since I do have autistic friends who take a lot of crap for their gaming hobbies and so on. There are a few games I’ve liked over the years, but I’m not really a gamer.
I’m more one of those people who relies on technology for communication and to work, since I work from home and everything I do for my job requires me to either be on my phone or laptop. I need access to the internet to be able to do other things too, such as pay my bills and deposit my paychecks and buy my groceries and get refills of my family’s medications etc. I have unlimited data on my phone, no wifi at home, and limited data on my laptop, so I use my phone for most non-work tasks that don’t require a computer. And I also use social networking etc for fun and to talk with my friends online, which is one of the few things that makes me happy some days when I’m completely stressed out.
So yesterday my problems started with messenger. Everything was super slow to load, and then my phone started crashing. I reinstalled the app, turned my phone on and off, did a bunch of other things that were suggested to me, and nothing worked. Then my phone started crashing every few minutes, and at one point shut off completely. I started to have a panic attack which I legit thought was a heart attack because it felt a lot worse than my usual anxiety stuff. And my phone wouldn’t turn back on, so then I thought “Ok yay irony that I’m having a heart attack and now I can’t call 911 because my phone is broken.” So it wasn’t a heart attack, but by the time I realized this I was in a full meltdown that didn’t go very well for me physically lets just say. Then as a bonus, when I informed a family member why I was upset and had to cancel a thing I’d planned to do, they made a joke about “oh no what will do you do without gaming for a minute” and then a dismissive comment about “oh autistics and technology addictions.” So that really didn’t help.
I got my phone working again but couldn’t get it to stay working with messenger installed, which threw me into a separate panic of how am I going to talk to the few people I regularly talk to on there who are really important to me. I worked it out but that was hard and I’m still kind of going through messenger withdrawal to be honest. I guess the good thing that came out of this is that since I couldn’t spend my time doing the things I needed and wanted to do, I actually cleaned my bathroom. Yay?
So today I woke up and my phone is still really slow and I’m starting to feel the panic back, although not as badly as yesterday. But knowing that my phone is probably not going to last much longer is kind of a big deal for me since I rely on it so heavily for pretty much everything and really can’t afford a new phone right now. Anyway, that’s what’s new with me. And if you usually chat with me on Facebook messenger, just know I’m likely not going to be doing that today sorry. I’m also not going to be checking FB as much as I usually do because I’ll have to be at my computer to do that now without risking my phone dying. :-\