aspified

a blog by an autistic adult

Category: My Life (page 1 of 8)

Random ramblings on feeling free

For me, freedom is more a state of mind than anything else; that’s the thing I’ve most learned recently from being trapped for the past year. Trapped by the fear of my mom dying and not knowing what will happen to me when it happens, fear of my own failing health, fear of potentially becoming homeless… on and on…

On top of the fears, it feels like everytime anything good starts to happen or I get a bit of inspiration to try to make my life move forward in some small way that something bad happens. Like life is trying to tell me “Fuck you. You are small. You will never grow out of this. You will always be trapped in this hell.”

pigeons-2362768_640

So for the past year or so I haven’t bothered with much of anything. Partly because I don’t have the time or energy to do more than it takes to survive each day. But also, trying seems pointless.

It’s amazing to me how much energy it takes just to survive.

But recently I got a bit of good news. Just a tiny bit, and one that could soon be fleeting, but for that small moment I felt peace. I felt free. And freedom for me, the feeling of it, is a funny thing. Because it’s kind of like giving up sugar for a while and then having a small taste. All of a sudden I want more. Chasing the freedom dragon, if you will…

So I started thinking about it during one of my insomnia nights when I couldn’t sleep and knew I would just be laying there thinking about something, so it might as well be this. I was thinking about how I felt years ago when I left for California with basically nothing – with about as little as I have now. And how I survived.

I started thinking about how liberated I felt then, although it was perhaps a delusional feeling of liberation because things were not good and I was not free and it spiraled (eventually) into the worst time of my life since childhood. But the feeling of leaving, of going there, of feeling free — despite having no clue what would happen to me — was probably the most free I have ever felt.

Anyway, somehow as I was thinking about this, I started to feel content about whatever is to come. Not that I’ll be happy, or comfortable, or even survive it. Because I know it will be hard, and I have no way of knowing what will happen to me, and I know that I could end up dead. But the odds are just as good of me dying now as then. And who cares, really? What difference does it make if I die now or later?

In some strange way, I don’t care anymore. I care, but it’s an odd sense of acceptance. Somehow this knowledge that the idea of freedom is all in my mind anyway made it better. Because what is freedom really? A delusion that makes me feel better? And if that’s true, then why not go ahead and feel free now?

This might not make sense to anyone but me, and that’s fine. But I thought I would share it anyway. Mostly because I haven’t been writing anything here lately and people have been emailing to ask if I’m dead. (No, not yet lol). I post more on my facebook page than I do here, simply because it’s become a habit. But yes, I am still alive. Strange, but alive. : – )

[Image is of pigeons, a free stock photo from pixabay]

Your Opinion

It seems to be a common thing that people think their right to their opinion about me, my life, my autism, etc., is more important than my own experience or opinion.

Sometimes it’s about something very significant, extremely personal, and none of their business. Other times it is over something more trivial. Either way… It’s not like I asked their opinion. But they still seem to think that they are entitled to express why I am wrong and they are right about something they know little to nothing about. Sometimes it comes from total strangers. I’m way past the point of tolerating it anymore.

If I don’t drop everything and comply with their bizarre need to school me on whatever it is they think they’re right and I’m wrong about, the common response is that they have the right to their opinion. Maybe that’s true. But I have the right not to listen to it. I don’t owe my time or energy to anyone, especially people like that.

You may have a right to your opinion. But I have the right not to listen to it.

You may have a right to your opinion. But I have the right not to listen to it.

If you could have a superpower, which one would you choose?

Yes, these are the kinds of things I think about in my spare time.

I would really love to be able to fly. But I think I would choose being able to be invisible whenever I wanted.

How handy would that be, right?

Gotta go to the store, or where ever, and nobody would know I was there. No one would talk to me. I think I would go a lot more places if I was able to turn myself invisible whenever I wanted.

So, just for fun, what superpower would you choose?

superpower

A summary of my life

So yesterday at the dr appointment a lady said I should go get my mom a hat for when they do her urinalysis. I thought “ok it will be cold in that room I guess” and gave her her winter hat. We come back and the lady laughs and says a hat is a thing they put in the toilet to collect the urine. My mom says “that explains why most of my pee went on the floor.”

This experience is basically a summary of my life.

dear-humans

It will be a good year as long as I don’t have to leave the house

I don’t think it’s any secret that I’m more of an animal person than a people person. When online friends have asked how 2017 has gone for me so far, I have joked that it will be a good year as long as I don’t have to leave the house. You see, leaving the house means dealing with people. And peopling creates anxiety.

why-i-dont-people

I never know what people are really asking me. Or why they want to know. If they could say “I’m just asking this to have words coming out of my mouth and don’t actually care about the answer,” then that would help. I would know that it didn’t matter what I said in reply, and I could save that energy of trying to think up the appropriate response.

Tomorrow will be the first day in 2017 that I have to leave the house. My mom has an oncologist appointment that’s about an hour away. Since I don’t drive, this means we will be in a taxi having to make small talk on the way there and back, plus sit in waiting rooms for bloodwork and the actual appointment, talk to the doctor, etc. With these appointments, I have the added fear now that my mom will fall or injure herself worse just getting there.

In the past several months, she has already broken a foot and dislocated a shoulder by falling, so these aren’t unreasonable fears. Since she is currently having to use a wheelchair and put as little weight on her foot as possible, the whole thing is a huge challenge for her as well as for me. Neither of us are looking forward to tomorrow (her way less than me, I’m sure). I’m sure it will go fine but at the same time the anxiety has already sunk in that it won’t.

One thing I am grateful for is that I don’t have to leave the house every day to work in an office anymore. Now that I work from home, there is so much less people-encountering, smalltalking, and hiding in the restroom to avoid a peopling-related meltdown. So, I’ve got that going for me.

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