aspified

a blog by an autistic adult

Sometimes I feel like an actor in my own life.

Sometimes I feel like an actor in my own life.

Sometimes, someone talks to me. I have an entire conversation during which time I have dissociated or seem to have floated outside of my body to watch myself like I’m a character in a play. I somehow mentally float back into the conversation and wonder if the other person noticed.

There are other times I seem to go for hours on autopilot. It’s like I’m sleepwalking, accomplishing mundane work tasks like data entry while not actually present in my body.

Sometimes I feel like an actor in my own life. It’s kind of strange, because I actually like my life right now. I don’t know if this has to do with burnout or if I’m just exhausted in general lately.

I wonder if it has to do with having gone so many years not knowing I’m autistic, that I subconsciously trained myself to act neurotypical to function and get by in the world.

Maybe it’s just that I can do so many things automatically that I don’t need to be mentally present to do them?

Just wondering, mostly, if any other autistic people experience this kind of thing.

I sometimes wonder if my life would be different if I knew all along that I’m autistic, and if the world treated autism as an acceptable difference. I suppose all of our lives would be different then.

2 Comments

  1. I know exactly what you’re talking about! I get that feeling all the time!!!

    Like you I went most of my life not knowing I was autistic and many things I do throughout the day are just things I’ve programmed myself to do like everyone else. When I ‘load’ one of these programs I basically go on autopilot, so I don’t really need to be mentally present. Prior to my diagnosis I used to suffer from burnout and massive anxiety fairly regularly and I would feel totally dissociated, it was like I was watching my life happen to someone else.

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